Living with Midwives: Birthday Parties, Fear, Boredom and a Broken Down Chicken Bus

There have been few births and I have been struggling to fill the empty space. Reading, drawing, drinking Brahva's on the roof at night, and in the mornings mugs of the strongest coffee; which more than wakes me up, and also motivates me to do something, but I am not always sure as to what. So, the reading and the drawing have both been good things.

We have had at least three mom's transfer to the hospital in the last month, and in each of these instances I have felt certain that this wasn't necessary. Every one of our moms, without exception, who transfers to the hospital comes home having had either a cesarean or an episiotomy. And I know that these women just needed time. To be given more patience, more kind, slow, soft words, deep breathes and hands to hold--all of these things that bring strength and life and peaceful births.

The women that live here don't have any information about birth, besides that their sisters and mothers and in-laws have to offer, which seems most often to be fear inducing and shaming, rather than passed down wise-women wisdom. So they know nothing of potential risks or lack thereof, nor about their options, and this is in part because they don't really have any. They will leave for the hospital when they are told to, and this is most often when the midwife looks at her watch and begins to feel fearful.

I've seen fear creep into the room and I see it again and again on Carolina's face; in moments when I don't see a place for it, and don't understand why it is paralyzing her. These lessons on fear, are the ones that seem to be changing, and expanding who I am more than anything else. But, I am only just dipping my feet in.

Fear, this huge and powerful, contagious shadow that is the greatest threat and possibly the most dangerous thing to enter into the place of a birth. I am going to need to learn how to see risk and danger, but not to let the fear in to feed and grow and spread.

While I came here hoping to learn all of these practical skills, which I have learned and am continuing to learn, I now see that those things come easily. What I want and need to develop, beginning now and continuing on, perhaps over the course of my lifetime is patience, listening, intuition, and controlling my fear. No small feat.

Life in my little aldea is feeling more and more familiar, but I am watching my understanding and perspectives of this place shift. Doing my best to stave off the recent boredom has brought forth emotions of all sorts and strengths; loneliness, achy-heart, homesickness, and a twinge of pain and a bit of sadness as I begin to feel like more of a part of this place, while simultaneously recognizing I am more of an outsider than I can even begin to understand.

There has been drama in the family and this I am finding to be the norm. Maybe it is the lack of diversion, or that everyone is somebodies cousin and has slept with or "gotten on top of"some one's"muchacha," their words not mine. Have you seen a spanish novella? If you have, you have witnessed a small taste of this. Waterworks, slapping, making-up, tension and no one EVER saying what is really the root of the problem. Treading water and running in circles, these familial feuds can and often do last a lifetime.

This dry spell, with the lack of births this month, has left me and Carolina bored and antsy. We sit around the kitchen table missing our work and waiting for the births to come. But this has made our visits with our expecting moms longer and all the sweeter. At present, all of our expecting moms are primips (first-timers) and we rub their bellies, give them our ears and a lot of extra love.

While remaining relatively useless around the house, I have become a voracious reader, napper, and rabid consumer of the white bread pastries I vilified, and worked so hard to avoid for the first 3-months I was here. But, I am not a complete gluttonous sloth and do like helping out with collecting the wood and doing any chore that involves being outside and getting dirty. Carolina seems content to stay in the house all day, and I do mean all day. She has plenty to do, but I can't help but feel a bit of cabin fever for her. Having the extra time, she has been cooking the most elaborate and delicious meals; spicy steaks,with chiles, salsas, and avocado, cucumber salad. And of course I never lose the taste for papaya in the morning, and eat a belly full, with eager anticipation every morning.

I have a ticket to Seattle on May 19th, which feels both too soon and too far. I've been dreaming of Seattle; of bridges, islands, sparkling water, bike lanes, hot showers, bars and shows, french toast and washing machines. But I'm scared to come home, and of not knowing what's next.

Dancing parade passing in front of the house. Fiesta week.

I rode a motorcycle to this birth, caught this huge baby girl and gave her a bath that made her so peaceful and sleepy that she fell asleep in my hands.

The bus that we waited for, but would never have managed to squeeze onto. It broke down half-a-mile up the road. SO, yes you can overload a bus with people and produce and have it break-down in the middle of nowhere.